I’m here sitting in a Starbucks/Barnes & Noble ‘snerfing,’ enjoying a hot tropical green tea (new at STBX!) and wondering why life can be so contrary sometimes. I’m really supposed to be grading, updating my teacher webpage, lesson planning, and working on replying to emails. But I scratched that plan the moment I sat down.
For weeks and weeks and weeks, nothing very new happened. Wake up, get ready for work, work, grade, BSF, go home, meetings, sleep, then wake up and start all over again.
Then, over the past 2-3 days:
– drama over middle/high school transition and vertical alignment
– car brakes need fixing (but no time to fix it! and when I do have time, the shop doesn’t have an appointment!!)
– tahoe trip where I’m in charge of chauffeuring
– the internet at my place going out due to laxness on my landlord’s part
It’s really my own fault. I got lulled into a state of complacency where I didn’t keep an eye on what was ahead. I only kept up enough with the day-to-day so that today’s to-do list got done, but not anything in the future. For example, some things are that still not done:
– Support letter for China
– Homeaway rental for New York/Toronto
– the never ending vacuuming that my dark colored carpet needs (am never getting dark colored carpet again)
– forward lesson planning
– my IISME education transfer plan and the resulting survey that comes with it
Winter break seemed so long ago. Spring break seems so far away. My weekends are spent catching up on sleep, cleaning, cooking, and overall recharging.
I know I can’t keep anything up on my own. But I have been keeping up with BSF homework since winter break. Things are supposed to go well if I’m focused on God, which I thought I was. But apparently not, as the slightest breeze of difficulty and tiredness and panda eye syndrome has kicked my spiritual and emotional state to the brink of a break down. I’m tired. I can sleep for weeks. Yet, I’m still here at B&N, wondering if I should stay for another half hour and try to focus on work, or just give up and go home.
It’s hard to keep my eyes on what is in the important+non-urgent quadrant when my brain is fried and I would rather live in the non-importnat+non-urgent area of life. Can I have another grande serving of this green tea with some chips and salsa? Can I play Facebook games and continue to procrastinate on grading? Can I splurge and lease a new car where the maintenance is taken care of for me? Can I live and work in a place where a car isn’t necessary to begin with? Can I teleport myself instead of drive?
Nope. That’s not going to happen any time soon. No wonder why people get more and more discouraged and jaded as they get older. Which is so sad! Also: Unleashing Hope doesn’t seem to be working for me.
I am thankful though.
I may not have the convenience of the internet at home, but I have the convenience of a free wifi location near me that is also open late, with hot drinks and plenty of seating.
Driving a car with worn out brakes my stress me out, but I haven’t gotten into an accident yet, and my dad (yay dad!) is coming tomorrow morning to take my car to an appointment time that I won’t be able to make unless I take time off of work, which would be a pain in the butt.
I may have boat loads on my to-do list and with constant interruptions and drainers of energy so that the list grows instead of shrinks, but I’ve got good co-workers to rely on, good students to work with, and the luxury of saying no for my sanity’s sake without the threat of losing my job entirely.
I may have to file and pay taxes, but I also have an income that makes me independent, provides for all that I need and then some; not to mention living in a nation where I have the freedom to move about as I like, do as I like, say what I like, and live as I like without much government interference.
I may be closer to middle age than I ever have before, but I’ve had a good life up to now with near 100% chance of continuing and improving upon that good life from here on out.
I may be anxious for the future, but I have a future to look forward to.
I may be stressed out about the unknown and the unfamiliar, but I have the blessing of going on adventures, treading the narrower path, and trail-blazing to new discoveries – bringing new ideas and building new cultures and relationships that might be so much more encouraging than the current realities.
I may have many cares, troubles, worries, doubts, and fears that weigh me down and drag me through the mud. But I can share these things with people. We can find something in common. I have a dad who will help me out in a pinch. I can encourage those who are also going through similar experiences.
That’s what unleashing hope is about, no?