The abyss

Gilmore Girls is one of my all time favorite TV shows. I have a habit of re-watching various seasons during my breaks from school – summer is the best time to go from season 1 all the way through season 7. Which is what I’m doing this summer.

In season 7, ep 7, Rory and her two new artist friends visit Stars Hollow on an impromptu weekend getaway. They look through Rory’s old photo albums, dye their hair, and chatter on about random things in the way that girls do. At one point, Rory breaks down (video above) about the ‘abyss’ of her future.

Her character really has had everything planned — doing well in at Stars Hollow High, in order to get into Chilton, then doing well at Chilton in order to get into Harvard. The only change from the plan was switching from Harvard to Yale (and it wasn’t even that much of a sudden change, there was an episode devoted to making pro/con lists comparing Harvard and Yale). She had another breakdown in the middle of Yale too, but this one, the ‘abyss’ break down hits home for me a lot more than the others because one of the other characters saw Rory’s height chart in the closet door during this episode and mentioned how much Rory has grown and is now ready to graduate college.

The thing is, the other two girls have a point. I am most sad during the part where the girls are saying all their friends are looking into being investment bankers, or lawyers, or things that seemingly go against who they were as students.  I’m saddened the most when I see my old friends turn and become something they never were when we were students. As if the person they were really wasn’t the person they truly are. As if they were pretending in front of me all this time. I think amongst my friends whom I’ve known for longer than 7 years, only 2-3 of them have stayed constant with their core personalities and goals. 4, if you widen the circle to include my friends and acquaintances.

Which makes me wonder: have I changed? I must have. But how? And am I terribly different from my core personality and goals? I hope not. I hope I can say I’ve stuck to my priorities of doing something, being someone, more than and outside of the 2.5 kid suburban life. Although there are flashes now when I rather yearn for that kind of life.

And then, when I get the feeling that the 2.5 kids suburban life is eminent (especially when in the company of a certain someone ~ yikes, that vibe is sooooo uncomfortable) I cringe. Yeesh. Just thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies. Not all the time, because I would like to have a life with a special someone who can convince me to have kids of my own. Which is why I’m so not a great dater – dating is depressing. It seems like all the daters out there are ‘just anyone.’ But the one who will convince me can’t be just anyone. It can’t be. I’m determined that it won’t be.

Not that the 2.5 kids white picket fence ‘normal’ life is bad. It’s just…..kinda…..boring. I’m sure if I were to do that life, I would make it fun, and exciting, and new. It would be interesting because I would make it so (like JMC, and GCD, and others who are the people I look up to when it comes to visualizing what that kind of thing could be and how I would want to handle it). I can’t be the only one who thinks this way. But it seems like it sometimes, so the idea is very depressing.

And the boring kind does exist. It exists way more often in my current circle of acquaintances than I would like. And sometimes I’m swept up in it. And it makes me nauseous.

And this is perhaps why I enjoy doing this annual writing exercise and reminding myself of who I am, what makes me happy, what I want to accomplish, and how I’m going to get there. It’s probably high time I do that again. Because the abyss, for me, isn’t just in front anymore. It’s all around me, all for sides, seeping into my barriers, and I’m forgetting that there could be something else. That I can live life in any other way different from the traditional.

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